I belong to a Yahoo group made up of people in my University of Santa Monica (USM) masters in spiritual psychology program (the program meets one weekend a month for two years with a break in the summer – like regular school only better). This program is life changing, but the problem is that life itself changes and as it does, we do, and so do our "issues." One of the keys we’ve learned is a very helpful process called self-forgiveness; it’s the antidote for self-judgment. I am not going to explain that here because it’s not really the point.
The point is that one of my fellow students posted the following within the last few days, and I had to laugh (in a good way) – I’ll tell you why after you read this…
“Just curious......are there any other classmates that, even after 9 months of class, still sometimes get into spots of SELF-JUDGMENT.....which then in turn requires moving into SELF-FORGIVENESS?......I am starting to suspect that this is an ongoing process, a tool for a lifetime............ It seems that when I've cleared one thing, something else subsequently surfaces in my awareness regarding my relationship with my Self around the theme of SELF-JUDGMENT which then calls for SELF-FORGIVENESS. Any thoughts?”
I’m sure this person never suspected that they had written the kernel of another’s blog post, but this posting opened up a chasm of ponderings for me. This is my second round of USM; the first time was 20 years ago, and I’m still working with self-judgments and self-forgiveness. Maybe I didn’t “get it right,” and then again, maybe there is no "right."
My laughter was a realization (and a happy one because it means I am not the lone ranger here) that we all hope that some day, if we do enough classes, learn enough information, get spiritual enough, that our issues will somehow magically disappear, and we won’t have to do “this” (whatever “this” is) any more. "Some day," I think, "I’ll be 'fixed,' and never judge myself or another.’ But then something happens or someone says something, and there it is, laying in wait for the opportunity to show me just how not perfect I am.
Heck, I think I’ve judged myself at least a dozen times already today, but the good news is I don’t wallow! Judgments pop up every time I procrastinate on writing my blog post, every time I get to the end of the day and haven’t accomplished most of the things on my to-do list, every day that I don’t write something that feels like it has value, every day that I do not lovingly support my family or myself, every day that I spend too much time playing internet games. The best I can discern is that it’s just part of the "game of life." The good news is that I catch myself more quickly. I don’t wallow in self-pity and self-hatred for ages. I have become a kinder, gentler self-nation.
What I believe has happened is that I trust that I am doing the best I can in each moment, and I know that it does no good to beat up on myself. Self-flagellation only results in extra pounds and more computer games. It has NEVER made me want to do better next time. What I do have now are a lot more skills to use when I find myself slumping, and that is a blessing.
I really think that life, for me, is about staying in the present as much as humanly possible, and doing what my heart calls me to do, and when that doesn’t happen, self-forgiveness and my other tools assist me in getting back up on the horse, so to speak.
Yesterday, for instance, I completely brain locked as an aunt. My sister called and told me my niece was in the hospital. I had to wait until someone arrived at my house to do something, and then I could go so I’d miss traffic. In the mean time, I found out where exactly she was and how to get there, and after a call found out that she was having a CAT scan (good aunt). When the person showed up and my obligations were complete, I just got busy doing other things and somehow didn’t think I should go to the hospital until I spoke with her – I still don’t know what I was thinking because I knew I was going up to LA no matter what. I knew that I could call from the car to get updates (that would have been, after all, a masterful use of a cell phone), and I knew that what I had to do at home had been done. I really don’t know what part of my brain wasn’t working when I decided that I would wait until I reached her. I called, she was out of x-ray, but she was sleeping. I decided to wait until she woke up (she was in the emergency room). When I finally did leave, she was being released. She was going to take a cab home. I told her not to, that I was picking her up. She was grateful, but I think a little confused that I was still an hour away (bad aunt). But that is when I woke up – that is when the self-castigation began - "what the hell were you thinking? You should have been there to talk to the doctor, you should have BEEN there when she woke up! Weren’t you supposed to be the surrogate parent? Isn’t that what you would have wanted for your child?!?!”
She was doing okay, but she was tired. She lovingly and patiently waited for me at It’s A Grind. When I arrived, she was drinking coffee and reading the paper. I still don’t know what I was thinking, and I did spend a nice chunk of time yelling at myself in the car. After I figure I’d beaten myself enough (it wasn’t as long as it might have been in days before USM), I remembered that there was no way to do a "take 2" on this situation, and that all I could do was learn from it. I wanted to see my niece in a frame of mind that was loving, supportive, and available to her and not just to my own angst. When I am busy giving myself 40 internal lashes, I am completely unavailable to myself or anyone else. So good riddance to self-flagellation, and hello to ‘I wonder how I could do this better next time.”
As someone once said, life is a journey not a destination, and I have often discovered that it is my failures and foibles that bring the greatest insights, though I do like having more ups than down. It is my intention to be happy most of the time, but to be good to myself no matter what.
So I guess my response to my classmate would be life goes on and isn’t it a good thing. How utterly boring and uninteresting it would be if everything always went exactly right. Even gambling. If I knew that every time I gambled I would win, that would be great for a while, but what would be the point? Isn’t it the "chance" aspect that brings excitement and enthusiasm when the win does happen? Life is a great adventure, and it is ONLY an adventure when we are not sure about every future event. What is truly exciting is when we know that sometimes it will get hard, but that we can AND ARE WILLING to handle it.
Self judgment can be crippling and rarely has an up side. As you say, it always seems to work out better if we can forgive ourselves, learn from the mistake and move on. No one's perfect! And thank goodness for that. How boring life would be.
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