By Susan Cameron
I ripped into my husband a couple of days ago, and this is all I feel like writing tonight. We patched it up, but time will tell if the patch holds...
My dear friend will turn 61 next week. I've known her since she was 18. I'm sending her a funny birthday card that teases about age and forgetfulness, though I am no longer sure if forgetfulness is a laughable curse or a blessing in disguise.
I pulled out my address book to look up her latest address -- the third one for her in this particular book, though there are many other defunct entries for her in many other long-gone books. Her list of former homes is short compared to the one I compiled for myself in my chaotic youth.
Anyhow, after I addressed her card, I grabbed a pencil, started on the A's and went through the Z's, drawing lines through entries that were no longer valid -- my late mother's, my late father's, a few dead friends and acquaintances, closed businesses, doctors I no longer see, people I have not seen for a long time and do not wish to see, people I'd like to see again, but they're somewhere in the wind.
I closed the book and knew there was some kind of lesson in this, but what? Nothing stands still, time moves on, change is inevitable, all things must pass, blah banal blah? Well, yes; but I think the reminder is that there's a bigger pencil than mine that does the final crossing out.
Two-thirds of the sand in my personal hourglass has slid through to the bottom. This is fine, and I accept it, but I refuse to spend the final third of my life seething and furious over a spouse's stupidity and disrespect. Change is indeed inevitable, and many, many times I have been the agent of major changes in my own life and in other people's as well, and I can absolutely, fearlessly do it again.
If I have to choose between being angry and being alone, I will choose solitude and hope over fury and despair.
I've dug my old flamethrower out of the closet and polished it up. If I have to use it, I will. See the smile on my face? Right now, I feel better than James Brown!
copyright 2013, Susan (by-God) Cameron
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19 hours ago
I would just like to say that I would NOT like to be on the other end of that flamethrower - by God (or any other deity) - as I know who would win!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd, I have to agree with you - like I've said, better to be lonely and alone than lonely and with someone... ah life...
I have one of those address books, too - the one with past lives (mine and others') memorialized by addresses and phone numbers. The pages are all full, but instead of scratching out old ones with my pencil, I should start over entirely with a brand new book. Somehow, though, I can't make myself do that. There's too much history in the old little book covered in a blue fabric with tiny sweet white flowers. The book alone is a memory, as it was a gift from my son, the one who lives far away and rarely see. No, I think I'll keep my little blue book just the way it is and leaf through it from time to time and remember past lives.
ReplyDeleteNo flamethrowers for me - just little white flowers on a blue background.