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Monday, October 14, 2013

Love Street - Emily, Marla and Mitchell

by Liz Zuercher

Since it's been a few months since my last Love Street post, I'll take this opportunity to catch up and introduce three more residents of Love Street - Emily Wilson, Marla Winterberg and Mitchell Roberts.


Emily

Emily Wilson pulled out of her garage slowly, looking all around for children who might be playing in the cul de sac.  She’d chosen her lot because the yard was small and the floor plan was the one she liked.  Being on a cul de sac hadn’t been a consideration, though she had thought it might make for a quieter location without much traffic.  She’d been wrong about that.  The kids at this end of the street all played in the cul de sac as if it were a grassy park, and the parents limited their supervision to putting up an orange Children-at-Play sign in the shape of a stick figure in mid-stride. 

Across the street Jessie and Chad Grissom had spread out an assortment of large gaudy primary-colored plastic toys that were never put away at night.  The kids had built forts in the dirt and threw rocks around regularly, so that it looked like a giant sandbox from the front door to the street.  They hadn’t mowed the grass parkway strip since they moved in and weeds had overtaken the little patch of grass in front of their house.

If that weren’t bad enough, Emily had the neighbor from hell next door.  Eddie Petrocelli had plunked that outrageous alligator in front of his house the day he moved in, and while it had been mildly amusing when Emily thought it was there for a day while Eddie unpacked, the longer it remained, the angrier she became.  She had asked Eddie politely to move it to the back yard, but he had laughed in her face.

“Don’t you think he’s kinda cute?” Eddie had said.

“No,” she’d said.

“Tough,” Eddie replied, turning his back on her.

To add insult to injury, Eddie had turned his entire garage into a gym, with weights and a treadmill and stepper and elliptical machine.  He’d put mirrors along one wall of the garage and that rubber sport court stuff on the floor.  Then he’d put in a sound system and a flat screen TV so he could entertain himself while he exercised.  If he could have kept to himself while he used his gym that would have been okay, but he turned the volume up on the surround sound and the hard rock beat rumbled through her house at all hours.  When she’d tried to ask him to turn down the sound, he’d said “Sure, Em,” and cranked up the volume.  What a jerk. 

She couldn’t imagine that other neighbors weren’t annoyed with him, too, so she’d asked Dan across the street about it one day when they were putting out their trashcans at the same time.  Dan had said a group of the neighbors decided he would approach Eddie about the alligator and see what could be done.  They’d tackle the matter of the music once they saw how it went with the alligator.  So far Emily hadn’t seen any results and wondered if Dan had gathered his courage yet.

All this was on Emily’s mind as she backed out of her driveway, glanced over toward Eddie’s house and saw the new plastic critters that had joined the alligator overnight.  And the tacky little fence.  And the picnic table.  Good grief.  What next?

She was beginning to regret her move to Bella Vista.  In some respects it had been good for her.  She was tucked away in a place her ex-husband would never look for her, a place he’d never expect she’d want to be.  In truth, she didn’t want to be here, but it was so far from the kind of surroundings she was used to that it made it the perfect hiding place.  And she needed to be hidden.  She’d changed her name, changed her job and moved to escape him.  As long as she kept a low profile and had an extensive security system in her home, she hoped she’d be safe.  She hadn’t made friends in the neighborhood on purpose, not wanting anyone to know too much about her.  She’d just as soon they wonder who in the world lived in that house.  But Eddie Petrocelli was making it difficult for Emily to keep to herself.  He was threatening her sanctuary and she was afraid she was going to have to come out of her shell and join forces with the neighbors.


Marla

Across the street from Emily’s house, Marla Winterberg sat on her sheltered front balcony in her favorite redwood Adirondack chair with the green and white striped cushions and watched the comings and goings on the street.  She liked this place because she could see everything and everyone on the whole street, but no one could see her in the shadows of the Tuscan style stucco arches. 

Her attention had been drawn to Eddie’s house across the street when Emily’s car had stopped midway out of the driveway.  Marla watched as Emily got out of the car and with hands on her hips stood looking at her neighbor’s yard.  That’s what made Marla notice the new assortment of critters that had come to accompany the alligator in Eddie’s yard.  And there was a new little fence and a wooden picnic table.  Cute, she thought.  Who would have thought such a macho guy would like all those little animals. 

Eddie must have put those out there in the dead of night, because Marla knew they hadn’t been there at ten o’clock last night when she and Edgar took their two little Shih-Tzus, Punkin and Pie, out for a walk before bedtime.  Punkin especially liked the alligator as a place to relieve herself, which she had done last night right there on the alligator’s foot, so Marla would have noticed if all that other stuff had been there then.  Punkin would have a field day with all this new stuff. 

Marla wasn’t sure what all the fuss was about with the alligator.  It was just a silly little joke, she was sure, but people were getting tired of seeing it and had started to talk in groups at the mailbox in the evening or on Wednesdays when they put out the trash.  She wondered if anyone had whispered about the ceramic frog she had at the front door.  It was so cute.  When someone came close to it, it would say, “Ribid, ribid”.  It made Marla smile.  Willis thought it was stupid, but she liked it and didn’t care what Willis said.

Eddie reminded Marla of her son, George, who lived all the way across the country in New York City.  Eddie was bigger than George and had a darker complexion, but she figured they were about the same age and they both had a certain bravado about them, a swagger that she found appealing.  Willis, of course, had never had swagger, and Marla wasn’t sure where their son came by his.  Maybe from Marla’s father.  Now there was a man’s man.  He certainly had swagger.

Anyway, after Emily got back in her car and drove off, Eddie came out of the house and walked to the curb.  He turned and looked back at his house, nodding his head.  He looked from side to side, then up to the little Juliet balcony above the garage and went back in the house.  Pretty soon Marla saw the Juliet balcony door open and Eddie set out a stepladder and mounted a video camera on the light fixture beside the door, pointing it down to his yard.  When he had it where he wanted it, he took the ladder inside and came back with a full-sized painted carousel horse, which he positioned on the tiny balcony with its front legs resting on the railing as if it were ready to jump onto the driveway.  Eddie went back inside and closed the door behind him.

Marla sat and watched a little more, wondering what Eddie had up his sleeve next.  After a while he came out the front door again, stood by the alligator and waved his arms up at the camera.  He went back inside, then appeared on the Juliet balcony once more, adjusting the camera.  After several trial runs with the camera placement, Eddie must have gotten it where he wanted it, because he didn’t appear again until the garage door opened, the music started up and Marla could watch Eddie working out in his gym.  She liked when Eddie worked out.  She liked watching him move to the music, flexing his muscles as he hefted the weights.  She liked the heavy bass of the music.  She felt the beat of it in her chest.

Mitchell

At the other end of the street, Mitchell Roberts stood out on the deck off his master bedroom, coffee cup in hand, looking out at the dry hills.  He liked to start and end his workday on this deck.  This was why he’d bought this house in the first place, other than the investment value.  As a single man in his forties with no plans to marry, he didn’t need this much house.  What he did need was a place that was quiet and secluded, but part of a larger community at the same time.  He’d thrown a lot of money at it, but he had a lot of money that needed spending.  It was best to spend it on things that were easily visible.  To his surprise, he was beginning to take pride in the house.

He felt a waft of dry air against his cheek and it made him shiver a little bit.  He was afraid of one thing in this location.  He was afraid of fire.  When he bought the house, the hills were a riot of green and yellow and he never imagined it being anything but full of life.  He’d watched the deer play on the meadow across the way and he’d seen the coyotes lope by at dawn and dusk in their search for food.  Then he moved in and the summer heat came.  The vegetation died and the hills turned from green and yellow to brown.  Now the landscape was gray and tinder dry, and he worried that the smallest spark would set off an inferno that would engulf his neighborhood and destroy his beautiful quiet home.  He’d taken extra precautions, from special sprinklers to fortifying the eaves to installing a pool and a special fire hose that could suck water from the pool if necessary.  He was ready to take a stand if need be.

It felt like the Santa Ana winds might be kicking up, and that scared Mitchell most of all.  A power line could blow down and a spark could start a fire.  A carelessly tossed cigarette butt could be fanned into an inferno, with sparks blowing across hills and houses to neighborhoods far from the flash point.   The exhaust of a motorcycle illegally riding the hiking trails could…well this could drive him crazy, he thought.  He’d done what he could to protect his property.

He leaned against the railing and watched as a young boy with a camouflage hat sneaked across behind the neighbor’s fence, stopped at the top of the hill then started running headlong down the hill.  About halfway down, the boy tripped on something and catapulted head over heels down the rest of the hill.  Mitchell thought the boy might be hurt, but he jumped up and pumped his fist in the air.    Mitchell grimaced as he watched the kid tug at his pants then aim a stream of urine at a nearby bush.  Apparently, the coyotes and mountain lions weren’t the only wildlife in these hills.  People should watch their children more closely, he thought, as he downed the last of his coffee and went off to work.



Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Scientology Strikes Again
by Nancy Grossman-Samuel

The Church of Scientology sent me a Parishioner Statement on Saturday. It has a balance due for training of $1.50.

I’m not sure what I’ve been trained on unless it’s how to not answer a call from a number that I don’t know. I did take classes from them way back in the 70s, but since then, and up until about three years or so ago, our relationship has been mercifully silent. Then they started to call and no matter how many times I tell them I am not interested, they try to talk me into believing that I am missing out.

I dutifully throw out every piece of mail I get from them whether it is a mass mailing or a personal letter, but I opened up this invoice because I thought – “What the hell??? An invoice for WHAT?!?!?…” and then realized they had to do something to get a response from me – so I put a nice handwritten note on the invoice and am mailing it back. My “nice” note, which really IS nice says “Have no idea what this is for, so I assume it has something to do with the enclosed video – so please accept it back with my complements, Nancy.”

After a call years ago, a young woman named Brittany sent me a video that I was told I really MUST watch about how the materials of the church had been changed illegally and how the things I was taught were so very wrong and how I had been treated was also wrong, but now everything was right. Briefly, the way they “lost” me was that I got badgered, after taking a class with them, to join the Sea Organization – the main brainwashing branch of the church. I had just finished giving a rousing speech after having graduated from one of their self-directed classes – everyone got to get up and talk after they graduated – and because it was such a wonderful talk (I am assuming), they decided I had great skill as a future Scientology brainwasher!
It took them 3 hours of talking and cajoling but I signed the papers. What was I thinking? Obviously, I was NOT thinking.

I went up north to “say goodbye” to my friends and family – or at least that is how it felt, and through a series of events decided NOT to go back to Scientology at all. Surprisingly, but thankfully, they never called or wrote to find out what happened to me, and for about 5 years I could not even drive by the building where I’d taken the classes.

Back to the video – I watched about 45 minutes of it and decided that I couldn't care less and it wasn't at all compelling or interesting to me. I called Brittany back and told her as much. After what was probably a very nice and civil conversation I think she asked if she could call in the future, and moron me said “yes.”

I now wonder If I’d just said “FUCK NO AND DON’T YOU EVER CALL ME AGAIN!!!” if I would have been relieved of this monkey on my back!

Along with the video I included a letter that says:
“Please stop sending me mail and calling me. I appreciate that you think pursuing the teachings of Scientology is a wonderful option for me. Please trust me enough to tell you that I am not interested, and know that the more you send me mail and call me, the more badgered I feel, the more resentful and angry I feel, and the less I want ANYTHING to do with Scientology.

If I knew how, or if it were worth my time to find out how to do it, I would just block your phone numbers, but it’s easier just not to answer any calls from phone numbers I do not know, or that actually say The Church of Scientology.

I really don’t know how I can be any clearer. If I choose at some point in the future to pursue Scientological learnings, I know where to find you.

Thank you in advance for respecting my wishes and taking me off your mailing lists and phone call lists.
Sincerely,

Nancy Grossman Samuel

P.S. The latest person who has been calling is Phil (note: I don’t want to get sued, so I’m not including his whole name here). Please include him in this communication. “

The interesting thing about Phil is that he called me after I told Brittany to back off. He called because he figured that Brittany had not been clear enough in her communication to make me understand what she was saying. Did he really think that that was a great opening comment?!?!? My initial reaction was “Please tell Brittany that I will never call her again and that she had better never call me again.” He tried to convince me of the wonder and fabulousness of Scientology and getting him off the phone was like trying to pull off a blood sucking creature. I assumed he would not call me back, but alas, he has, but I have not answered. He sounds almost desperate in his messages. I wonder if they are whipping these people for not getting me back into the fold. If I somehow disappear some day, don't rule out kidnapping! These people are like ants. They show like an army of ants with their calls and letters, and unfortunately I have yet to find a P&M Pest Control for Scientologists. Perhaps I need to learn how to be effectively rude.

What really worries me is how bent out of shape I feel when I get these calls and letters. I don’t know why I can’t just laugh it off as I throw away the letters and not answer the calls. What worries me is what it might mean that I am so reactive. Does it mean that I SHOULD go back and take classes? What if they’re right? What if there is something there for me? Am I really that insecure that I think maybe my answer lies within their unsavory walls?


I’d better get myself a life that really does feel fulfilling and wonderful and do it quickly before I do something really stupid.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Flirting with Food Rehab

               by Susan Matthewson
               My diet is so terrible my family wants to commit me to food rehab where I will be force fed organic vegetables and fruits to cleanse my body of sugar, fat, grease, and Der Wienerschnitzel hotdogs.
                I eat so poorly I have no idea why I’m still alive. I often have a bowl of buttered popcorn and a coke for dinner or a slice of lemon meringue pie and a glass of milk for breakfast (thank you for noticing the milk).
                I blame my diet on my Southern family and roots. I’ve been trying for years to blame them for all my failures and weaknesses and it’s gratifying to finally have found something to stick them with. I just hate having to acknowledge my own responsibility for everything that’s gone wrong in my life; it tends to be so depressing. But my diet is definitely my family’s fault and they can’t escape blame on this one.
                You see, I grew up with a father from Texas, a mother from Louisiana, and a live-in grandmother from Texas. It was a house in which no one knew that any other kind of cooking but Southern cooking existed. FYI, instead of the traditional five food groups that most of the country adheres to, Southerners have their own special food groups, six not five, and they include salt, gravy, bacon grease, sugar, butter, and fried stuff. Southerners don’t have a food pyramid; they have a food square because every group is equal…doesn’t matter how many servings a day you get of each one as long as you get plenty.
                Our family’s foundational food was bacon grease. My mother cooked everything with bacon grease derived from the two fried eggs and two strips of bacon she cooked for my father every morning. She kept a five-pound Folger’s coffee can of drippings by the stove so she could plop a spoonful handily into everything she made and most of what she made was fried—friend pork chops, fried chicken, chicken-fried steak, fried fish, fried potatoes.
                In addition, my father only liked two vegetables—black-eyed peas and spinach, both out of a can and, of course, both simmered in bacon grease. The only fruits he ate were strawberries and bananas…IF they were sliced and sprinkled with sugar on top of ice cream.
                I didn’t know vegetables came any other way but in cans until I was an adult. I thought people who bought that leafy green stuff in the produce section used it to make their own canned vegetables and were just too dumb to know that Green Giant and Del Monte had already put it in cans on Aisle 6.
                To complicate things, my Texas grandmother—who cloned Paula Deen by the way—baked a fresh dessert from scratch every single day. Her repertoire included German chocolate cake drizzled with a luscious butter/sugar/caramel glaze, thick, creamy chocolate custard pie with a four-inch meringue, bread pudding so rich it made your eyes water, devil’s food cake with a scrumptious crushed pineapple icing, Tollhouse cookies, and…well, and, on and on and on. Of course, bacon grease doesn’t work for desserts so grandma’s choice of grease was Crisco, that white, hydrogenated fat that just screams out “Heart attack! Heart attack! Heart attack!”  Our family crest/coat of arms features a can of Crisco perched on a throne of sugar cubes surrounded by sticks of butter.
                Concerns about my diet reached critical mass after my daughter and her husband bought an organic farm in Oregon where they grow more than 50 varieties of herbs, grains, vegetables, and fruits. Ah, yes, I know…the irony…me, with an organic farmer daughter.
                Once when visiting the farm, my daughter asked me to go pick some kale from the field for dinner. Panicked because I didn’t know what kale looked like, I whispered to my four-year-old grandson, “Everett, come show grandma what kale looks like.” I managed to harvest some kale, but not until after he yelled at me in outrage, “Grandma, you’re standing in the onions! You can’t do that!” Well, who knew…weeds, kale, onions…it all looked the same to me. If it didn’t have whipped cream on top or was slathered in butter, I couldn’t recognize it as food.
                The only time I eat healthy is at the farm because all they eat are fresh vegetables and fruit, locally raised grass-fed beef and lamb, organic chicken, homemade goat cheese, and fresh goat milk straight from the goat. There are no Oreo cookies, no gravy, no bacon grease, no soda pop, and no fried stuff. I start shaking and go into withdrawal because there’s just no sugar or grease there to fill me up. Remember that scene in Gone With The Wind when Scarlet O’Hara lifts an old dried, stale root vegetable up to the sky and vows that she’ll never be hungry again. Well, every time I leave the farm, I speed down that little farm road to the nearest grocery store, grab a Snickers bar, hold it up to the sky, and swear to God that I’ll never be without sugar again.
                However, now that I can identify kale, I am trying to incorporate it into my diet to pacify my family and because kale is the new wonder drug. Nutritionists swear that you will live forever and be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound if you eat kale. It hasn’t been easy. I tried kale baked, boiled, steamed, and blended, but it always tasted like moldy grass cuttings. Then one day on a whim and in a never-say-die spirit, I plopped a bunch of kale in a skillet, threw in a half-pound of bacon, and fried it all up. Then, I slathered it with butter, loaded on salt and pepper, and, man oh man, it was great. And the bonus—I fried my pork chops in the same skillet in the left-over bacon grease. There's hardly anything a little bacon grease can't help.
                I’m going to try chard next…as soon as my grandson shows me what it looks like.
               


Monday, August 12, 2013

This Could Be The Last Time, I Don't Know...

by Nancy Grossman-Samuel
             
            Margaret is looking around the room as if she doesn't recognize anything in it. She gingerly sits at her desk with its random and haphazard piles and shakes her head. “Shit.” She sighs deeply. “I might as well just give up. I’m 60 and my life is never going to change.” Glancing from pile to pile and stack to stack she says, “It’s always just going to be me, alone, with piles of shit. No friends, no purpose, just paper, books, and junk I must think holds the secrets of the universe.”
She knows she is again being overly dramatic. She has friends, and a life, but she, like Pig Pen, the character in Peanuts, is constantly trailing a cloud of stuff. She’s tried to get the stuff under control for years – since birth probably – her cross to bear. “Humph,” she says as she remembers her mother telling her college roommates not to let her have a chair because it would just disappear under debris. And she had been right. Within days, no chair, just a pile, mostly clothes, that looked like it was floating off the ground. Good thing her roommates didn't really care. No one except her mother really did. At least no one except her mother had ever said anything, and now, even though she had been dead for years, her mother's voice continued inside Margaret’s head. “I’m 60!” she shouted, “why do I still give a flying fuck about what my mother says – inside my head no less – she’s not even here!”
“Hey,” came a sleepy voice from the room down the hall. “No swearing!! And grandma is still here. I saw her ghost floating down the hall on my way to bed last night.”
“It’s not noon yet, go back to sleep!!”
She heard Sean laugh, and the sounds of Green Day, or Maroon Five, or one of those groups came drifting from the speakers in his room.
I’m going to die in this chair with piles around me. Sean and his sisters will come in with a dumpster and get rid of it all. Why am I holding on to so much crap? I will never read all these books, I will never again look at the majority of these papers even once I scan them in, and the clothes in my closet that will never touch my body, could clothe a small country – well, small city, maybe, and even the ones that do, the meager handful of things all my friends are sick of seeing me wear, will go to Goodwill when I'm gone! I really should just get rid of it all now before the kids have to. But then, I spent years cleaning up after them, maybe turn around is fair play. I just wish I could toss this stuff without feeling like I’m betraying someone! This is the familiar liturgy that goes through her mind pretty much daily, with and without the child revenge portion.
       She had done his laundry that day and found an old tee shirt of hers that her son had adopted – an old Rolling Stones tee that she had never gotten rid of, but also hadn't worn in thirty-plus years. It had been hiding in a box until her son rummaged around the garage one day and came out wearing it.
       She felt a pang that she should still have it herself until she slapped herself upside the head and remembered that it is better on his back now, then in a box in the garage until after she was dead – at least he was enjoying it. He even thought his mother a little cooler for having once worn a Rolling Stones tee shirt – and he felt that owning and wearing that shirt made him seem a little cooler too.
      So maybe the junk is okay? She allowed herself to question. Maybe it isn't the end of the world. Maybe it’s just my old stories that have no place in my life any more. “But I really don’t WANT all this shit all over the place!!” She screamed.
     “So toss it,” came Sean’s voice.
     “Mind your own business!” she called back. “I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to myself.”
     “Should I call a doctor?”
     “Ha ha. Go get your clothes. I washed them. They’re folded on the ironing board.”
     “Cool. Did you iron my shirts too?” asked his smiling face as he came around the corner to her office.
     “As if! If you want them ironed. Iron them yourself!”
     “But mom.”
     “Jeeze Sean, you’re 21, you shouldn't even be bringing your laundry here to do any more.  Well, you can keep bringing your laundry if you keep coming to visit, but I should not be doing it!”
     “I would have done it. You just don’t like it sitting by the garage door.”
     “You’re right. I didn't have to do it. Next time, you’ll do it yourself.” She called to his receding footsteps, proud of herself, but knowing in her heart that she could easily wind up doing it again, though truth be told, he did do his own laundry, sometimes. “Ugggg,” she said almost under her breath. “I am such a push over. I really need to stop doing that. I need to let him do things for himself.”
     “Did you say something, Mom? You’re mumbling!”
     “Not talking to you,” she said in a sing-song.
     “You really need to get married again. You’re talking to yourself too much!”
     “Thanks for the advice. I happen to like my company, and you keep coming back, so I must not be so horrible to be around.”
     “Nope,” said Sean heading back up stairs. “I got my laundry! Brought it up myself!”
     “Gold star for you bud."
     “Hey Mom, you ever going to clear off that desk?”
     “No. I’m going to let you do it when I die. Make you go through every piece just in case there is something important.”
     “There isn't,” he called from his room.
     He’s probably right, she thought. There’s nothing on this desk that is going to bring forward world peace or a cure for cancer, or even a small or medium sized windfall. So maybe I should just dump it all. But she knew she would not.
     So, once again, she clears a small space in front of her to which she can drag a few pieces of paper or random items at a time, and ever the hopeful optimist thinks this could be the last time. She starts to sing the lyrics, “This could be the last time/This could be the last time/May be the last time/I don’t know/Don’t know…," and turns to her Apple computer, opens Pandora and creates a new station – The Rolling Stones. But it isn't “The Last Time,” playing – it’s The Beatles – “Come Together.”
     “Yes!” she shouts and then sings matching the Beatles staccato, “One thing I can tell you is/You got to be free/Come together, right now/Over me.”
     She sighs, picked up a receipt, and says “Oh look – I was free to buy a dozen greeting cards I’ll probably never send. At least they were on sale!”
     The sounds came wailing from the Goal Zero speaker she’d gotten at Costco and for which there was a receipt around here somewhere. “’Got to be good looking cause she so hard to see…’
     Sean comes walking back down the hall wearing the Rolling Stones tee shirt and holey jeans. “Oh yeah Mom! Rock out!”
     And she did.