Another Modest Proposal

by Susan Cameron

Just because I was laughing when I wrote this does not mean I don't mean every word...


While perusing the usual litany of crimes against women in the Los Angeles Times the other day, I ran across a particularly appalling statistic. If a woman lives in Los Angeles County her entire life, her chances of being raped are better than one in three. I gave that figure some serious thought. If I had a one-in-three chance of winning big money in the lottery, I’d sell my house to buy tickets. If I had a one-in-three chance of winning big money at the racetrack, I’d sell my car and hit the bettor’s window. A better than 33 percent chance of being raped is, statistically speaking, a pretty good bet.

This led me to wonder: What if the average man had a one-in-three chance of being sodomized by the winners of the Mike Tyson and Hulk Hogan lookalike contests? Would any man ever leave his house without a gun at his side? In fact, since so many rapes take place within the home, would any man live without a gun in his house in the face of these terrible odds? I think not. Therefore, is it reasonable for women to remain unarmed and unprotected under these dangerous circumstances, which amount to a state of undeclared war? I think not.

So, I would like to make the following modest proposal: Every woman should be required, by law, to carry a gun; to take shooting and weapon safety classes; to practice at a firing range at least twice a month; and to serve and protect the other members of her community. In short, every woman should be armed.

I believe there is ample philosophical and legal evidence to defend my proposal. The Declaration of Independence states that all men have certain inalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The founding fathers used the word “men” in the generic sense, as was the custom at the time. Women like me also have these rights, and our rights are being violated by criminal terrorists and a judicial system that is unable or unwilling to stop them. Our right to life? Criminals shoot us, stab us, rape us, torture us, mutilate us. They kill us quickly; they kill us slowly. Our right to liberty? The threat of victimization keeps us locked up in our homes and cars, restricts our movements, restrains our schedules; we don’t even have the liberty to wear certain hairstyles, makeup, or clothes for fear of drawing the attention of some misogynistic bastard. Our right to pursue happiness? We do the best we can, in spite of our restricted lives as meat for the predators; but I believe my proposal would facilitate our pursuit of happiness by empowering us to fight the criminals pursuing us. The Second Amendment to the Constitution guarantees the right of the people to keep and bear arms. I am suggesting that we do exactly that.

Now, in contrast to the existing situation, imagine every adult female citizen ready, willing, and able to kill criminals in self-defense! Imagine a woman being able to walk in her own neighborhood unafraid – not calculating whether or not she can return before dusk falls, not concerned if her friends can’t walk with her, not worried about some rapist jumping her – because she has a .357 Magnum in a holster on her hip and she’s capable of defending herself! Imagine armed women everywhere – offices, banks, grocery stores, shopping malls – jogging anywhere they want, anytime they want; striding through parking lots without fear; using public restrooms without dragging their girlfriends along! Imagine women and children congregating at parks and beaches, playing and laughing, unconcerned about child molesters; after all, if any pervert were to touch a child, the mommies would rise as one and blast him into ground beef!

I realize my proposal will strike some people as too radical, and potentially dangerous. What if some women take unfair advantage of their power, and start behaving like bullies? What if some women start swaggering around with guns at their sides, awash in a sea of hormones, arrogant, belligerent and rude, utterly contemptuous of the rights of other human beings, in love with their power to destroy and their own massive egos? In other words, what if women start behaving like male criminals (or some male non-criminals, for that matter?) I believe any woman inclined to behave that way is doing so already. The vast majority of women would simply feel relief at having a legal, effective means of self-defense. Women need to start carrying guns now, before the Los Angeles Times calculates our odds of being rape victims at fifty-fifty.

copyright 1993, Susan Cameron