Louee by Nancy Grossman-Samuel

This is from a novel in process. Franklin and Louee have been together since their days at UC Berkeley where they met the first day of Louee's freshman year - Franklin's junior year. Louee is a dyed in the wool new age girl who has never given up her innate love of the spiritual and esoteric. Franklin's always gone along because Louee's heart is as big as the whole outdoors and they truly do love one another. They've been married for more than 40 years, and their differences are coming to a head.

              Franklin opened the back door with a sigh. He blankly looked at the brochures in his hands.

              Louee galumphed down the stairs, her wooden clogs announcing her arrival like the enthusiastic footfalls of a puppy. She saw Franklin standing in the kitchen and a big smile crossed her face. “Oh good, you’re back. Where were you? You didn't tell me you were going out! I would have…” she looked at him confused. He was not responding to her at all. “Honey, are you okay?”

He didn't answer. Just looked into her face. She noticed the paperwork and brochures in his hand, and tilted her head to read them. She felt the blood drain from her face and felt weak and disoriented. Her eyes started to fill with tears.  “What? Franklin. What is this? Are these yours?” she asked trying to take the brochures, but he pulled them away from her hand.

“I’m sick, Louee, what do you want from me? I’m sick and I need to figure out what to do.”

“What? How did you… when… why didn't you…”

“This is about me Louee. I wanted to take care of this myself.”

“I don’t understand,” she said in an uncharacteristically serious, mocking, and almost angry tone. “We are a couple. You can’t just say, well hell, I've been diagnosed with, what is it, she said pointing to the brochure, cancer? And then just go on as if nothing were the matter, or saying I’ll take care of it as if this doesn't affect us all.” She waited for a reply that was not coming. “It’s not fair Franklin, this affects both of us, all of us.”

“Why can’t you just let me be sick and let the doctors take care of me? Why do you always have to get involved? Why do you always want me to do things the way you want to do them? Why can’t you just let me be who I am?”

              She coughed air, “Wha…. What do you want me to do, pretend I don’t know? I don’t even know what I don’t know. You have to tell me what’s going on. Please. I want to help. I want to be here for you. We’re partners. Why are you pushing me away?

“Because I know what to expect from you Louise! And I don’t want to participate in that. I don’t want you fawning all over me. I don’t want you to tell me what to do, how to live my life.”

“I don’t want to tell you what to do. I just want to be part of this, part of your treatment, your healing.”

“Louee, I don’t want mumbo-jumbo prayers and chanting and discussions about how my energy needs to be changed. I don’t want to take the remedies you’ll find in books or in your crazy stores. I don’t want you make me stop eating foods I love and replacing them with foods I can’t stand that YOU THINK will make me better.”

“Frankly Louee, I am not even sure I want to get better. Maybe I’m just tired of it all. Maybe I just want to stop.”

              Louee stood there looking at Franklin. She had never heard him speak like this before. She was unable to speak, unable to come up with any words that would make any sense. She finally blurted out, “So, you’re saying that the children and I are so horrible that you don’t want to be around us anymore? How could you say you don’t want to get better? How could you say that you want to leave your children…”

“They aren’t children, Louee, they’re adults. They’re young adults.”

“They will always be our children Franklin. Always. Why would you want to leave them now? What are you trying to escape from?...” Her eyes opened wide, and she shivered as if a bolt of lighting impaled her.

“Oh my God, that’s why you’re sick. You’re trying to escape.”

 “No I’m not,” he said immediately, but then paused a long time looking at Louee. He shook his head and grunted a laugh. “Maybe yes. Maybe I am trying to escape.” He sat hard in one of the kitchen chairs, and Louee sat across from him.

“I do love you Louee, but I just, I just, ehhhh, don’t want to live like this anymore. We’re too different. I’m really not a mumbo-jumbo kind of person. For 40 years you've tell me how to breathe, what to eat and drink for my Soul and my energy. You tell me to think good thoughts and make affirmations and ideal scenes for what I want in my life. You know what Louee. I just want a normal life. I want to feel loved and appreciated for who I am. I don’t want to feel like an experiment anymore. And now, the thought of what you will try to do…” He starts to laugh and continues, “I feel like you’re a mad scientist, and me and the kids are your experiments.”

“I have no idea how the kids put up with this, but they’re gone now. They've escaped. And maybe I thought my only escape was to leave this word because I didn't want to hurt you by divorcing you.”

Louee became aware of the hot tears that were rolling down her face. This man was a stranger to her. She knew he was scared and didn't mean anything he was saying, but it hurt none-the-less. “I’m sorry,” she said pushing away from the table and standing up.” I need to go meditate. I need to do something healing for myself.”

“Of course you do. Go do something for yourself! Everything you ever do is for yourself.”

“That’s not true,” she said calmly. “But I’m not fighting with you,” she said, tears falling down her cheeks on to her brightly colored cotton shirt. “If you want to talk, I’m here for you, but I can’t listen to you telling me I am a control freak who ruined your life and is now responsible for your death. As a matter of fact I need to go out for a while. I’ll see you later. I’ll take my cell if you want to talk.”

              “I love you,” she said, “I've loved you for over 40 years. I think maybe you’re scared. I think maybe that you are scared and that you love me and you feel safe taking your fear out on me. And that’s okay, but right now my heart hurts, and I can’t stay here with you right now. I’m sorry you’re sick. I’m sorry you don’t want my help. I’m sorry you think that dying is a better alternative than living with me and seeing your children. I won’t take this personally, but right now, I need to be alone.”

              She picked up her tie-dye cased cell phone from the counter. It had been a gift from her youngest daughter who had followed in her parents’ footsteps and was in her sophomore year at UC Berkeley. She took the phone, dropped it into the pocket of her long skirt and walked out the front door closing it quietly behind her.

              Franklin stood, staring at the door. The keys to his car were still in his hand along with papers and brochures he had gotten from the doctor. He dropped them all on the kitchen table and walked into the living room with its comfortable, over-stuffed furniture, and bookshelves filled with metaphysical tomes as well as classic and popular novels and books on history, philosophy, and rows of high school and college year books. He looked around at the dozens of family photos. It looked like a happy family lived here. An unconventional, happy family, but he knew that he needed something different. He loved Louee, but sometimes she was too much. And all he wanted was peace. He took his senior year Blue & Gold yearbook from the shelf. Louee had been the editor, and their pictures were all over the place. He started to cry for the first time. He knew from now on everything would be different.