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Monday, January 28, 2013

Me and My Cruciverbalist

by Susan Matthewson

I’m a crossword puzzle nut, but not just ANY crossword. No, I’m a New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle nut…the crème de la crème, the acme, the zenith, the apex of crossword puzzles.

I first became a Sunday NYT puzzle fan when I was just a sweet young thing and spent most my free time attending parties, recovering from the last party, or anticipating the next party. I had a close friend who was a premier party giver, a real hostess with the mostest, and one of her favorite tricks at her parties was to put the Sunday NYT Crossword on a clipboard with an attached pencil and place it in the bathroom.

At most parties it is a given that everyone gathers in the kitchen. But at Lolo’s parties, as people began to visit the bathroom for a necessary pit stop and discovered THE PUZZLE, the bathroom created a major traffic jam. People who had planned on a quick whiz or a minor make-up adjustment suddenly lost track of time, forgot where they were, and what they’d gone in there for. You’d be standing in a line of three or four outside the door when someone would finally get impatient and tap on the door, saying, “Hey, there are people waiting out here.” “Okay, okay,” would come the response, “but I need a five-letter word for African antelope.”

There was no Internet back then, no smart phones either, so coming up with that five-letter word inevitably occupied the attention of anyone who wanted to go to the bathroom to actually pee and involved scouring every book in Lolo’s house for the answer. (In case you’re wondering, the “eland” is the largest antelope in Africa, standing about 6 feet tall, can run as fast as a horse, has long spiraled horns, and a tufted, cattlelike tail.)

Thus began my fascination as well as frustration with the Sunday NYT puzzle, which is known for its difficulty, quirky themes, and confusing clues. I say frustration because Crossword puzzle creators, known as cruciverbalists, are mean, nasty, despicable people who delight in confusion, frustration, and psychological torture. For instance, cruciverbalists just love to insert clues like “spot for a spare tire.” You, of course, are thinking “trunk” of the car, right? Oh, think again, because your cruciverbalist is messing with your mind and the real answer is “waist,” you know, that spare tire you’re carrying around your middle…five letters, just like “trunk” to make you even crazier.  Or, the clue is “something to be inflated” and you are thinking “tire,” “ball,” “balloon” but the answer is only three letters, so then you scratch around for three-letter words for a ball like “orb,” but that doesn’t work either.  Why? Because the answer is actually “ego.” Only a cruciverbalist, all of whom have OVER-inflated egos, could come up with that clue.

Cruciverbalists, however, are human after all and therefore, over time, you can detect certain fallback answers that they tend to rely on to get out of tough spots in the crossword grid. As an example, let me introduce you to my friends Uma, Eno, Idi, and Yul. While these people are famous for a variety of reasons, they are crossword puzzle legends because of their three-letter names. They appear repeatedly in the Sunday puzzles and you don’t really need to know anything about them. Any clue that mentions “Hollywood actress” or “movie star” and requires a three-letter answer is going to be Uma for Uma Thurman. Bet on it. Sometimes the clue might say “star of Kill Bill” or “her breakout role was in Henry and June,” or “ex-wife of actor Ethan Hawke,” or “co-star in The Avengers.” Forget it. You don’t need to know what movies she’s been in or who she’s been married to…if the clue refers to “actress” in any shape, form, or fashion and the answer is three letters, trust me, it’s going to be Uma. Just write it in.

Same with Eno, who I’d never heard of before. Eno’s full name is, ironically, Brian Peter George St. John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno.  He is a British rocker, singer, producer, and composer, but in crossword puzzle world, we don’t care about his music…but we love his three-letter last name. Again, one need never have heard any of his music or have any idea who the hell he is. If the clue refers in any way to rock music and the answer is three letters, just write in “eno” and nine times out of ten, you’ll be right. Ditto for Idi Amin, a “deposed African dictator,” “Butcher of Uganda,” or “brutal African leader.” Yul, of course, is Yul Brynner, “a bald-headed actor,” “star of The King and I,” “hairless actor” or, in one instance, “dome-headed Russian.” The clue really need say nothing more than “actor” and if the answer is three letters, Yul is undoubtedly your guy. These four pals—Uma, Eno, Idi, and Yul—have saved my bacon any number of times.

One unheralded advantage of doing crossword puzzles is that over time you will learn a vast number of obscure facts and trivia that will undoubtedly make you a more interesting person and engaging conversationalist. I know it’s worked for me. For instance, did you know that the John Day Fossil Beds National Monument is in Oregon? Never heard of John Day? Me either? So after encountering John Day in a Sunday crossword, I looked him up. It seems John Day was a member of an expedition to establish a fur trading post in Oregon in 1810.  Unfortunately, John Day and a buddy got lost from the rest of the group somewhere around the mouth of what was then the Mah-hah River near the Columbia River, had all of their equipment and belongings stolen by the Indians, suffered overexposure and almost died, but were eventually rescued, and ended up settling in Astoria, Oregon, which is nowhere near the aforementioned fossil beds. But ever after that incident, people travelling in the area would point out the mouth of the Mah-hah River and say, “That’s where John Day was robbed.” So, eventually the Mah-hah River became the John Day River, and, you probably don’t know this either, but if you name the mouth of a river, then the whole river upstream of the mouth takes that same name, so the fossil beds, which are not anywhere near the mouth of the river where John Day suffered his mugging, picked up his name because it’s now John Day’s river even though he never was anywhere near the present-day fossil beds and most assuredly never ever even found a fossil.*

If one truly wants to become a crossword puzzle aficionado, at the very least it is helpful to memorize all the international, national and state capitals, major rivers, mountains, continents, seas, oceans and world currencies. It’s also a good idea, while you’re at it, to commit to memory the animal mascots of every university in the United States and all the three-letter monograms of the Presidents and Vice Presidents of the United States. As well, you will benefit from learning a workable number of French, Spanish, and Latin terms…(amo, amas, amat—Latin conjugations are very popular in the Sunday crossword), and the titles of respect for important people from various countries like aga, bey, emir, ranee, shah, sri among others (king and queen are just too, too simplistic for the Sunday crossword).

Did I forget to mention all the Roman and Greek Gods and Goddesses and their divine symbols? You absolutely need to know that Ares, the God of War, wears a crushed helmet and carries a spear, Niobe weeps, and Eos brings the dawn and that’s just for starters. Then there are the Muses and their muse specialties. Thalia is one of the Three Graces and is the muse of comedy and idyllic poetry while her sister Erato is the muse of mimicry. There are a bunch of others, but Thalia and Erato have outclassed their sisters and appear much more often than say, Polyhymnia, the muse of sacred song or Terpsichore, the muse of dance. Let this be a lesson to future Muse parents. Do not name your daughters long, complicated names if you want them to appear in the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle. Keep the name short and simple, no more than five or six letters. In fact, think Uma…think three letters.

Unfortunately, Uma herself, that paragon of crossword immortality, forgot the three-to-six-letter rule and has condemned her youngest child born in July to crossword obscurity by naming her Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson. Cruciverbalists everywhere have thrown their hands up in disgust. What was she thinking?

*Information from www.nps.gov/joda/faqs.htm, the website of the National Park Service.









   

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

by Nancy Grossman

Procrastination lives unfortunately...

Been procrastinating again, and I am aware that I cannot keep doing this and survive (I know, sounds dramatic - it is dramatic). So, all the pieces I've been working on congealed to create this poem. It's okay, not great, but it is done and I am posting and that is the most important thing for me right now! I hope you enjoy it - I think it has a moment or two of humor.



“Procrastination” I’ve adopted as my middle name.
But the fear I feel when I practice sends my heart up into flame.
I say “I will!” I’ll do something, but it somehow does not get done,
And it’s not that I’m out screwing around and having a barrel of monkeys fun.
I’m up against the wall of my unconscious, comfortable life.
Been recently bringing upon myself a great deal of uncomfortable strife.
The emotional stuff is just too raw to speak of at this time,
But the physical stuff I’m up to bringing forward in more rhyme.
I fell while walking with sisters on an Oakland trail’s stick,
Smashed boob and knee and hip it was a very scary trick.
I crashed my car into the car of Agent M’s Lacrosse
The FBI’s not so scary – my cookies did not toss.
It was my fault I blame myself, I lost track of the road
I had glanced down at my i-phone to see a certain code.
The chest again got singled out for trauma at this hour,
When air bag threw into my heart its nasty big white flower.
I had been thinking of visiting my friendly auto dealer,
I did not suspect it would be so soon and upon the back of an 18 wheeler.
Six days have passed since that grey day and between the cracks I fell,
My insurance company forgot about my car’s unhappy hell.
No one has gone to check its wounds to see if they can be healed,
Or if a death knoll will be sounded and the fate of my rates then sealed.
But I will not give up the hope that life will again be good,
As cell phone safely sleeps inside the glove box as it should.
I am aware much more these days of my procrastination,
My middle name will have to change if joy is to be my station.
So just for now, this poem must stand, though it is three days late,
A hope in my heart for a middle name change and a decent auto rate.


Monday, January 14, 2013

January Night

Okay!  A new year calls for some cheerful, simple-minded new verse.

by Susan Cameron

Our cozy home on this cold night!
I walk inside and hold you tight.

Your crock-pot soup has cooked all day,
The heater's on, I've got my pay,
We have no flu, the candles glow,
Got Buffett on the stereo --
With bellies full, and sleepy-eyed
We listen to the wind outside.

There's just one task that needs addressing --
Let's give our thanks for every blessing. 


copyright 2013, Susan Cameron


Monday, January 7, 2013

Rose Bowl Dreamin'

by Liz Zuercher


My father had no sons to share his passion for football, so he indoctrinated his daughters instead.  Once September rolled around, weekends found us glued to the television in our suburban Chicago den watching our favorite teams: any Big Ten team on Saturday, the Bears on Sunday.  I loved the college games the most, with intense rivalries, crazy flea flicker plays, enthusiastic students, cheerleaders, mascots and marching bands.

New Year’s Day was a big day for us as we watched game after game.  This was way before the BCS nonsense where computers figure out which team should be number one and which of the gazillion sponsor-named bowl games they should play in.  We just had the Sugar Bowl, the Orange Bowl, the Cotton Bowl and the Sun Bowl.  But most of all we had the Big Ten champion versus the Pac-8 champion in the Rose Bowl, the granddaddy of them all, our holy grail of college football.           

Sitting in our cozy den on a snowy New Year’s Day watching the Rose Bowl, I dreamed of going to the big game.  What a thrill that would be!  I would feel the California sun on my face as I sat on the fifty-yard line cheering my team on.  At half-time I’d stay in my seat as the marching bands strutted their stuff, moving from one formation to another to the rhythmic thump of the drums.  I especially loved the way the Ohio State band spelled out Ohio in longhand across the field.  Seeing it on television was one thing, but being there?  That would really be something!

Fast forward to New Year’s Day 1975.  By then I lived in Southern California, but I still hadn’t been to the Rose Bowl, the parade or even to Pasadena.  But in late December a friend of mine gave me two tickets to see USC play Ohio State in the Rose Bowl.  Free!  The Rose Bowl!  My dream was about to finally come true.  All those images of being at the big game rushed back from their hiding place.  I couldn’t wait!

New Year’s Day dawned warm and clear.  We’d had some storms earlier in the week, but this was the kind of day I remembered seeing on TV all those years ago.  It was perfect California weather for what I expected to be a perfect Rose Bowl adventure.

Gary and I headed for Pasadena, leaving lots of extra time to deal with the traffic.  I drove, because Gary wanted to take pictures of the snow-capped mountains sharp against the bright blue sky.  The drive was a breeze and we just knew this was going to be such a great, memorable day.

Then we got off the freeway in Pasadena and the traffic stopped dead.  Between people leaving the parade and people coming for the game, it was gridlock.  We crept along Colorado Boulevard, sometimes sitting in the same spot for fifteen minutes before we moved another inch.

We got thirsty – really, really thirsty – just as we came to a halt in front of a McDonald’s.

“Why don’t you go get us some Cokes?” I said.

“I’ll bet I can get in there and back before you move an inch,” Gary said as he hopped out of the car.

Just as he disappeared into the McDonald’s, the traffic started to move a bit.  I crept forward, not worried.  Then the line of cars ahead of me moved faster, up a hill, away from the McDonald’s.  I was boxed in, so I couldn’t get out of the line.  I tried to stop, but the cars behind me honked, anxious to move.  I drove ahead, climbing the hill, looking back toward McDonald’s.  No Gary.  Up I went, away, farther and farther.  No Gary.  Just as I was about to crest the hill I spied him running toward the car, drinks in hand.  I opened the door and he collapsed into the car seat.

“What the hell?” he said.  “Every time I came close to you, you moved.”

“I couldn’t help it,” I said, reaching for my drink.  By then I was parched.  I took a drag on the straw and got that slurpy empty sound along with a tiny drop of watered down Coke.  I gave it back to Gary and reached out for him to give me the other one.

“It’s empty, too,” he said.  When I glared at him, he said, “I guess I was a two-fisted drinker, running all that way, trying to catch up to you.”

The bloom was beginning to fade from our Rose Bowl day.  We rode in pinch-faced silence the rest of the way to the stadium.  Parking attendants directed us to the far end of the lot, then past that to the far end of the adjacent golf course.  The week’s storms had turned turf into mud and we slogged through it until finally we stood at the Rose Bowl entrance.  Our bad moods left us as we looked up at the words Rose Bowl on the wall.  We were actually at the Rose Bowl!  This was so great!

We showed our tickets and got directions to our seats – at the exact opposite end from where we stood.  We walked and walked and walked some more.  The game had already started, so we hurried to find our seats - in the end zone.  Okay, these weren’t the fifty-yard line seats of my dreams, but so what. We were at the Rose Bowl. 

Down the steps toward the field level we went, looking for our seats, but even when we got to our row, we couldn’t see where they were.  That’s because other people were sitting in them.  We had the usher boot them out, and finally, we settled in to watch the remaining three quarters of the game.  But we couldn’t see past a big fat photographer and his cohorts who lined the end zone waiting for their money shots.  It didn’t really matter, though, because all the scoring happened at the other end of the field.  At half-time I discovered that you can’t read the OSU band’s script Ohio when you’re sitting ten rows up in the end zone.  What I got a good view of were the backsides of the USC band waiting in the end zone for their turn.

After the game we slogged back through the mud to the car in silence, tired and disappointed.  For an hour we jockeyed for position as we tried to get out of Pasadena.  Once we were cruising on the freeway again, Gary finally spoke.

“Well, I don’t ever have to do that again.  You can see the game better on TV, and you don’t have to fight the traffic or run a mile uphill to catch up with your ride.”

That’s when we started laughing about our Rose Bowl adventure.  We’re still laughing about it.  It wasn’t at all what I’d dreamed of back in the Elmhurst den.  Dreams seldom pan out just the way we expect them to.  But, boy, that was some memorable day.  It was the Rose Bowl, after all.