by Susan Cameron
First draft...here comes Kate...
Kate rolled onto her left side and partially unbuttoned her filthy shirt, reached into her bra under her left breast, and pulled out the sealed plastic bag that held a packet of lens cleaning tissues. She looked at the clean bag in her sandy, blood-splattered hand and sighed. Stop. First things first. The baby wipes... right pants pocket?... yes.
She rolled on her back again and cleaned her hands and the cuts on her face as best she could. Head wounds, even superficial ones, bled the worst, and she'd splattered on her equipment. She felt the blood trickle from the biggest cut on her forehead into her hair as soon as she released pressure. Her fingers reconnoitered the wound and she knew she needed the tiny emergency tube of Super Glue in her pocket as well. She'd learned about it from a Vietnam vet she'd once dated. She pulled the split skin tight so the edges would meet, gritted her teeth and ran a bead across the wound. She gasped for breath while the tears ran out of her eyes and mixed with the blood in her hair. After she was sure the patch job would hold, she wiped away the tear tracks, destroying the evidence of her weakness.
Kate forced herself to sit up, still feeling dizzy and sick. She was well-hidden in the bombed-out house where she'd taken cover, tucked in between piles of rubble. She needed to inspect her equipment, but had to shut her eyes and wait for the nausea to pass. Her beloved cameras. Soldiers bitched about the load they had to carry, but she never did. She needed to get back out there and do her job. If she didn't, or couldn't, there was a pack of young, hungry photographers whining and circling and waiting for their chance to take her place.
She swallowed hard. The nausea wasn't getting better, and she had to lay back down. The heat of the sun pouring through the blown-away roof felt good for the first time since she'd arrived. She drowsily felt her flesh and bones soften and sink and melt into the desert floor like a dropped ice cream cone.
"Where is she? Where the fuck did she go?"
Kate opened her eyes.
"I don't know. I don't know. We are so screwed."
"Fuck. Fuck. They embed grandma with us and we fucking lose her."
"That's cold, man." Laughter. "Maybe she's like only as old as my mom."
"Oh, hell no. From a distance, maybe, but up close? She's fuckin' old, man. She's so old, I wouldn't even fuck her with your dick."
"You got a cigarette? I'll pay you back."
Kate smelled cigarette smoke. It smelled good. She hadn't smoked in forty years.
"We're the ones who're fucked if we don't find her. How far can a skinny old lady get carrying all that shit around with her?"
"Hasn't she heard of a fuckin' iPhone? Great pictures, man. Nobody needs that other shit."
"You think she's dead?"
"I think we're dead if we fucked up and some famous old lady photographer's dead. That's what I think."
"Famous? Oh, fuck."
"Yeah. Yeah, all the way back to when people read newspapers and shit. My dad heard of her."
"So we're fucked."
They stopped talking, but the cigarette smoke still continued to drift over to Kate. She breathed it in deeply, stretched, and winced. Her cameras were fine, but she hadn't taken a complete inventory on her body. She lifted her head and looked at her left leg, knee swollen to the size of her thigh. Her cruciate ligaments had let her down again. She was fucked, too.
Kate sat up and called out, "Over here, guys."
She heard one mutter, "Oh, shit," and heard their boots shuffling toward her. She looked up, and there they were: a tall blond, about nineteen or twenty years old, blushing so deeply that his face was the color of his acne; and a short dark-haired boy who couldn't look her in the face.
She smiled at them, these soldiers who could have indeed been her grandsons, and said, "Time for you to get me the fuck out of here."
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Billy
by Liz Zuercher
Growing up on an Illinois farm with alcoholic parents I learned two things. First, the land is everything, the source of your security, and you do whatever is necessary to keep it. Second, never count on a man to take care of you. It will leave you feeling trapped, bitter and disappointed.
Growing up on an Illinois farm with alcoholic parents I learned two things. First, the land is everything, the source of your security, and you do whatever is necessary to keep it. Second, never count on a man to take care of you. It will leave you feeling trapped, bitter and disappointed.
The first lesson was a given. Real estate was solid.
It would always be there for you, if you worked hard to preserve it.
The second lesson was a little harder for me to learn than
the first one, even though my parents had illustrated this concept pretty
well. I figured once I left home
and could chart my own destiny, I’d make better decisions than my mother
had. But I hadn’t accounted for
what love does to a girl, starting with Billy.
I was eighteen, newly graduated from high school and in love
with Billy Millsap, when he told me he was leaving town to find his fortune in
Chicago. That’s the way he said
it.
“Cassie, babe, I can’t get anywhere in this podunk
town. I’m gonna find my fortune in
Chicago,” he said.
“What are you going to live on, Billy?” I asked, ever the
practical one.
“I’ve got some money saved up, and I’ll get a job doing
something,” he said, a faraway look glowing in his green eyes.
God, he was good-looking. I couldn’t think straight when I looked into Billy’s
eyes. He was a farm boy, who
couldn’t stand farming. He didn’t
like getting his hands dirty, and to be a farmer you have to appreciate soil. He thought he was better than that,
made for more important things, and he was going to find them in the big
city.
“I want to be in a place where there are possibilities. There are no possibilities here for a
guy like me. I know I’m meant to
do something important, Cass. And
if I stay here I’ll never be able to realize my potential.”
Billy talked like that all the time. He talked about potential and realizing
it and taking the bull by the horns and venturing forth into the world beyond
Central Illinois. He wanted
adventure. He wanted to expand his
horizons. And he wanted me to come
with him. Between his sparkling
eyes, his golden tan, tight muscular body, his kiss and his seductive words, I
was sold. Besides, I’d wanted to
get away from home for years.
Things had gone from bad to worse at my house, so when Billy
said, “Come with me Cassie,” I leaped off that cliff. To my way of thinking, I was at the edge of an abyss and
there was another ledge just within jumping range, if I got a little head
start. And there was beautiful
Billy on the other ledge holding out his arms, ready to catch me, urging me to
jump. Behind me, no one was paying
attention. My parents were both in
a drunken fog, going through the motions of life, and my sister was a space
cadet who flew under the radar, staying out of everyone’s way, sleeping with
every farm boy in a twenty-mile radius.
I wouldn’t be surprised to see her fly the coop soon, too. So I decided to jump toward Billy and
his shiny dream of adventure and possibilities.
We arranged to leave early on a Wednesday afternoon in July,
when both our fathers would be out in the fields. We figured it would be easier to slip out of the house
then. And we kept it a secret so
no one could talk us out of it.
His folks might have tried to do that. I figured mine would shrug their shoulders and say, “Don’t let
the door hit you in the ass on the way out.” At least my father would say that. I expected more of my mother. I thought she would be upset, maybe even shed a tear, but I
was wrong. The mistake I made was
in not just leaving a note for her.
I decided to tell her I was leaving and wasn’t coming back. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe I wanted to think someone
actually cared about me and what I was doing. I should have known better.
I sobbed most of the way to Chicago. Billy tried to console me with his “our
dream is coming true now” talk, but already I was wondering if I’d done the
right thing. I knew it was good
for me to leave home. There was
nothing for me there. But I felt
guilty, leaving my mother in that situation. Still, I wasn’t the one who was supposed to be the
caretaker, was I? The young girl
was not the one who was meant to make the home environment safe. That was the parents’ responsibility. It was all backward at my house. I could see that. I thought I was the one who was supposed
to keep my mother safe, be the buffer between my father and mother. I tried to protect her from him. But I couldn’t do it any more. All the way to Chicago I kept saying
over and over, “I’m sorry Mom. I’m
so sorry.”
“She’s the one who should be sorry,” Billy said
finally. He must have had his fill
of my guilt trip. “She and your
father. They should be sorry about
how they treated you. It’s not
your fault.”
“But what will she do without me?” I asked.
“She’ll get along,” he said. “She’ll have to figure it out for herself.”
He was right, of course. Still, I worried about whether she’d survive. I didn’t worry about Carolyn. Even spacey Carolyn had enough sense to
know a bad situation when she saw it and opt out. My mother, on the other hand, was too deeply mired in it to
be able to see a way out. To me,
it didn’t even seem like she wanted to be free of it. Could she possibly still love my father after all he’d put
her through? And what about
him? Did he give two hoots about
her, or Carolyn or me? It sure
didn’t seem that way.
We drove the rest of the way to Chicago to the sound of Rock
of Chicago on WLS radio. Country
was king in Colfax. We didn’t
listen to rock music much. But the
heavy beat coming from the car radio thumped in my chest, making me feel even
more anxious about what I was doing.
At the same time it awakened a new animal in me, and I started to feel
like I was finally beginning to run free.
The sense of oppression I had lived with for most of my life started to
fall away, like ice calving from a glacier, cracking then sliding into the cold
waters below. The closer we got to
Chicago, the more I felt my old life and its limitations fall away from me, and
I started to look forward to my new life with Billy.
My rose colored glasses were firmly in place by the time we
caught view of the Chicago skyline.
“Chariots of Fire” played on the radio and I imagined myself running
with abandon on the shore of Lake Michigan, fresh lake water lapping the shore
with a gentle whoosh, the famous Chicago wind blowing through my hair. What a romantic I was back then. I thought Billy and I were forever,
that from then on everything in my life would be a glorious adventure and that
I’d left all my troubles behind me in Colfax. I was so naïve.
We moved in with Billy’s friend, Joe, who had a place on the
north side of the city in an area of old brown stone houses converted to
apartments. We had to walk up
three flights of narrow wooden stairs to get to the apartment. The risers creaked and groaned with
each footstep, and I often wondered if one of them would give way, trapping my
foot in jaws of rotted wood. Or I
envisioned the rickety railing collapsing, catapulting me headlong down the stairwell. But none of that ever happened, and in
fact, I came to appreciate the noisy stairs, because they signaled Billy’s
arrival on nights I sat up late waiting for him.
Those nights reminded me of the ones I spent waiting up with
my mother for my father to come home.
The only difference was that I drank Diet Pepsi instead of Coke and
there was no rum in my glass.
There was also no cigarette threatening to start a fire, because I had
vowed never to be like my mother, never to drink and never to smoke. I was determined to make something of
myself, not be dependent on the whims of some man for my well-being. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Billy and I were happy in Chicago. He found a job selling building supplies, something that
suited him to a T. His smooth
charm and shining good looks eased his way with the customers and his company’s
management alike. Everybody loved
Billy. The only bad part about
Billy’s job was that he had a territory, and that meant he had to travel a lot,
all over the states of Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Wisconsin and Michigan. I quickly discovered that I was more on
my own than I had thought I would be.
But I didn’t mind, as long as Billy came home to me when he said he would. I didn’t like surprises much, even
then. My experience with surprises
to that point had not been good, so I liked to have a routine and I liked it to
stay that way.
I got a job, too.
I was hired by Marshall Field’s to sell house wares. That included dishes and cookware and
linens and small appliances. And I
found out I was good at it. You’d
think such a young girl wouldn’t be believable in the house wares department,
that the smart corporate wives who shopped at Marshall Field’s wouldn’t take
much stock in what I said. But I
discovered I had a way of making them feel comfortable, like they were talking
to their sisters or their daughters, and I made it a point to learn all I could
about what I was selling so my information was always correct. People respect that level of
preparation. But the most
important thing about me as a sales clerk was that I listened to what the
customer said. I listened
carefully to them so I knew exactly what they were looking for, and with my
knowledge of the inventory I could almost always come up with the precise item
my customer needed. I really
enjoyed making the customer happy, and I built up a clientele who came back
again and again to buy from me.
Management liked that. They
liked me, and within a year I had risen from clerk to assistant department
manager. Life was good.
After a while, Joe moved in with his girlfriend and left the
apartment to Billy and me. I used
my discount at Marshall Field’s to get some great decorator items that spruced
up our thrift store furniture. We
had a home together, just the way we’d dreamed. The tree lined streets of our neighborhood welcomed us every
day as we came home from our jobs, and the aroma of baking bread from the
bakery a block away woke us in the mornings. We could walk to the lake and ride our bicycles through
Lincoln Park. Billy loved the
Cubs, so we got bleacher seats in Wrigley Field whenever we could.
The only wrinkle in my smooth Chicago life was Billy’s
continuing search for adventure. I
had thought our escape to Chicago together and our life there would be the
adventure, but for Billy it was only the beginning. As my Grandma Elsa would have said, “That boy has itchy
feet.” She also would have said,
“If you gave him the world and a fence around it, he’d still want a slice off
the moon.” And Billy certainly did
want a slice off the moon. Grandma
Elsa never knew Billy, but she must have known someone just like him, because
her sayings described him perfectly.
Billy got bored easily. He
was restless and needed to push the envelope of our lives. I, on the other hand, wanted
consistency. That difference
between us began to spell the death knell of our relationship, almost before it
even really got started.
The final straw came on my nineteenth birthday as I waited
for him to come home and take me to dinner, like we’d planned. I sat there listening for the creak of
the stairs until midnight, when I finally fell asleep on the sofa, tears
forming a crust on my eyes. It wasn't the first time, but it would be the last.
The next day, with still no sign of Billy, I gave my
two-week notice at Marshall Field’s.
I was done. When Billy
rolled in two days later, acting like nothing was wrong, not even apologizing
for missing my birthday, I kept my plans to myself. I knew he’d try to sweet talk me out of leaving, and I
didn’t want to take the chance I’d give in the way my mother always did.
Three weeks after my birthday, while Billy was out selling
drywall in Iowa, I wrote him a goodbye note and left it on the kitchen table
with my apartment keys. With all
my belongings packed in one small blue suitcase, I took the bus to Los
Angeles. Why Los Angeles? Partly it was because Los Angeles
sounded glamorous and as a child I dreamed of being a movie actress. But mostly I thought California would
be as far away from Illinois as I could get. I didn’t want anyone coming after me, and I didn’t want to be
close enough to give up on myself easily and go home. It was time for me to have my own adventure.
Monday, September 10, 2012
The Marriage Follies
by Susan Matthewson
People get married for all sorts of
reasons. Young men once got married to dodge the draft. Some people get married
because they’re lonely or bored. Others marry because they believe that two
really can live cheaper than one. And, I guess, some people actually marry for
love.
And then there’s Bonnie who got
married at 18 to save $200 on a season snowboard pass. Bonnie and Brad were
high school buddies attending college near a ski resort. When ski season
started, the resort offered a family season pass for $100 less than the
individual pass. When you’re 18 and
broke, $100 is a lot of money, so while standing in the ticket line, Bonnie and
Brad decided to pass themselves off as married and save $100 each.
Unfortunately, the resort executives had also once been teenagers and required
proof of marriage.
Okay, said Bonnie and Brad. “We’ll get married.”
And they did. They didn’t live together,
didn’t even sleep together, but they had a great time snowboarding together. In
fact, they had such a great time that they both flunked out of school. Brad
went to Alaska to work on a fishing boat. Bonnie took off for Hawaii to live on an organic
farm. Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on! And it did.
Bonnie returned home, finished
school, got a job, and forgot all about being married. And then one day, she got
an email from Brad, who she’d also forgotten about. She almost deleted it as
spam, but then noticed the subject line: “Divorce Needed Immediately.” It seems
Brad had fallen in love with a girl in California and wanted to get married. That’s
when he realized he had a problem.
And that’s when Bonnie showed up in
my paralegal office. I’d known Bonnie and her mother for years. We’d both been
single mothers raising children alone, hoping to remarry someday. When our kids
were younger, we’d had monthly lunches where we exchanged hilarious stories
about our dating disasters via online meet-ups or family/friend fix-ups,
lamenting our failure to find someone compatible. We didn’t see each other as
much anymore, but I knew we were both still single.
I asked Bonnie if she’d told her
mother what she’d done. Of course, she hadn’t. So I agreed to prepare the
divorce papers only if she promised to tell her mother. I knew how hurt her mom
would be if she found out the news accidentally. Just tell her, I said, that
you made a mistake when you were 18, but you’ve fixed it now. Then you can move
on and not worry about it—not that she’d worried about it up to this point.
Months later, I saw Bonnie’s mother
at the mall. I didn’t know if Bonnie had kept her promise, but as we greeted
each other, her mom whispered, “Maybe we should try snowboarding. I hear
there’s action in the season ticket line.” I laughed and we parted with a hug.
But it’s funny. Ever since then, I
can’t help myself. I keep wondering: Just how much does a season snowboard pass cost
these days? Who says you have to ever actually snowboard. Can't you just stand in the ticket line?
After all, people get married for
all sorts of reasons.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Snoring and the Universe
by Nancy Grossman
I’ve been reading the biography Come
Be My Light on the life and pain of Mother Theresa. It is disturbing to me
how much she talks about wanting a life of suffering. Of course she believed in
suffering with a joyous heart and smiling face, and she was doing it for Jesus.
I do not at all understand what she means by suffering, maybe because I’m not
Catholic, but I am Jewish, and we’re suffering pros. The only difference from
what I can tell is that we don’t want to suffer; we don’t think it’s noble,
just inevitable.
What makes me keep listening to
this often disturbing book on tape is that I do understand her passion for
connection to something greater – she called it Jesus, and I call it Source, or
Spirit, and I’ve had some wonderful experiences that have shown me that that
belief is not a pipe dream. I experience Spirit, Source, God, that energy,
whatever you want to call it, all around me, and I know in my heart of hearts
that It is possible to connect with and count on that non-physical, indescribable,
unexplainable energy, and one of my primary life goals is finding ways of actually
bringing that more fully into my life.
That being said, and I know this
might sound like a non sequitur, but trust me, it isn’t, I snore. I’ve known this
since 1999 when I was taking a class with my sister and we were sharing a hotel
room with two other people. The first morning that we all woke up together there
were uncomfortable silences that I did not really understand until my sister
enlightened me. I promised to do my best not to snore. I even got some
breathing strips. That night she woke me many times. A few of those times I
knew I could not have been snoring because I hadn’t really fallen asleep yet,
and I knew that I had been silent. “Not so,” said she.
I recently did another workshop in
LA for a week and put on our class’ Facebook page that I wanted to share a
room. I confessed that I snored. A wonderful young woman responded with the
comment: “I want to share with you. I don’t listen very well during the night.”
And she must not have listened very well, or maybe she was too polite to say
anything, or maybe I stopped snoring, but there were no complaints, no
problems. Then alas, a month later I was in another situation with a woman who
woke me up so often during the night that I began to be afraid to go back to
sleep. I even tried one night to sleep sitting up which worked for about 30
minutes. I tried breathing strips, a netty pot, and finally I got my own room.
She’d mentioned a concern that it
seemed as if my breathing were stopping when I slept, so I called Kaiser and
set up an appointment to be tested for sleep apnea. The earliest appointment was
more than seven weeks away, a few weeks shy of a vacation I am taking with my
daughter where we will be sharing a room. I wanted to handle this and I do NOT
want a CPAP (an elephant like device that one wears when one sleeps – not this ONE
– this one will NOT wear that horrid, noisy thing). I want a mouth guard that I
learned about while regaling my volunteer-mates with the tribulations of being
a snorer.
I called Kaiser every day from that
point forward to see if there had been a cancellation and asked that someone
call me back to make sure that I had other options besides the CPAP. Now this
is where we go back to my original point.
There is a process I learned about from
a spiritual channel called Abraham-Hicks. Using this process, the Placemat
Process, one takes a placemat, or a legal sized piece of paper and draws a line
down the center. On the left side of the paper one writes “Things I will Do
Today,” on the other side one writes “Things I would like the Universe to Do.”
On this particular day I put on the Universe’s side, “Get me an earlier sleep
appointment.”
Later that day I answered the phone and it was
Kaiser. I asked the man on the phone about getting the bite plate device and he
said that they could prescribe them, but that they’d try to get me into a CPAP.
Kaiser Man said “Listen, I’m going
to tell you how to work the system. Once you get a diagnosis, call your primary
care provider and have her prescribe an appointment with a sleep doctor. They
can prescribe them.”
I thanked him and said, “Oh, by the
way, can you see if there have been any cancellations, my appointment isn’t
until October 9th.”
He said, “I can fix that. Hold on a
minute.” After about a minute and some mumbling to himself he said “How’s
September 4th?”
“That’s awesome! Thank you so much!”
I replied. “By the way, what’s your name?”
“Eden,” he said, “like in the Garden of.”
I laughed and knew this had been
the Universe doing what I asked it to do. When I give out my e-mail address I
always say “Nancy – N.A.N.C.Y., Eve, E.V.E, like in Adam and…” So the Garden of Eden gave Eve as
in ‘Adam and…’ a gift that day, and I thanked the universe for handling this
item on its list in such an elegant and enjoyable way. I wonder what else it
would be willing to do for me. Believe me, I’m packing the list!
copyright 2012 by Nancy Grossman-Samuel
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